How To Survive…

1 - You’ve just found out your flight is delayed. Sure, you’re pissed. You want to walk up to the man/woman with the monotone voice and the laughing eyes behind the airline counter who just made the announcement… and beat them to death with their little microphone. Instead, you share your anger and frustration with some stranger who happens to be sitting/standing beside you. BIG MISTAKE. Do not talk to any strangers who happen to be on the same delayed flight/on another delayed flight/sitting beside you/next in line for the bathroom. Sure, short term, you’ll feel better after complaining about the unfairness of it all, how this always happens, how you can never catch a break, blah blah blah. But 9 out of 10 of these airport freaks will think that because you confided in them, you are now friends. That they can sit with you until the plane boards. Talk to you for hours about who they’re flying to see. And why. How long they’re going to be there. What they’ll do while they’re there. A horrible experience they had on their way to the airport this morning. And on and on and on. They’ll ask you to watch their bags while they run to the bathroom. Get them a free cup of water if you’re heading to get a coffee. Check to see if they have anything in their teeth. So do everything humanly possible to avoid making a horrible situation even worse. Count to ten. Thousand. Take a walk. Down a pitcher of Bloody Marys. Do whatever it takes to keep your mouth shut, and your airport woes to yourself. Just make sure you do it quietly and alone.

2 - Down a pitcher of Bloody Marys.

3 - Pass time by counting the number of people in the airport who are talking on their cell phones. Sleeping with their mouths open. Biting their nails Picking their noses.

By the way, nose pickers, [gag] STOP IT. Just because you’re not making eye contact with people doesn’t mean they can’t see you. What are you, five?

4 - Pretend you smell a fart and jump out of your seat. Make a grossed out face. Gag. Pretend you threw up in your mouth a little bit. Give everyone waiting at that gate a dirty look. Then, move to a new seat. See how many people follow your lead.

5 - If you can manage to stumble your way back to the bar, down another pitcher of Bloodys. The airport’s a lot more fun when you’re drunk.

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